Where’s my village?

It’s something I hate to admit but something I’ve had to address lately. Loneliness. My name is Shannon, I’m a mum of 2 and I’m lonely. 

I’ve always had my mum. She will always be there for me when I need her and vice versa. She’s my best friend. But obviously I wanted friends my age, to gossip about boys with or go out drinking with when I got older. Even before I met my other half, I wasn’t one of these people who had loads of friends. I didn’t want to be surrounded by “acquaintances”, I wanted a couple of close friends who I could always count on. And I was lucky that I had that. We moved around a lot as kids so for me to have really good friends in my last couple of years in high school really helped me. I was bullied in every school I went to, I wasn’t considered normal. But that’s OK, I gave as good as I got and I’m stronger for it. 

As we all got older and our interests changed, we grew further apart. I still talk to one friend from school and I know she’s there if I need her but that’s all. My priority became my children and unfortunately, anyone who doesn’t have children, doesn’t understand how all consuming being a parent is. So I didn’t have the time to meet up whenever or talk on the phone for hours. Because of this, they stopped asking. 

I made new friends. I was lucky that after I had H, I met an amazing group of local mums, we all met up occasionally and I became really close with 2 of them. We’re all still in touch now. We all have children of similar ages, it was good to be able to discuss baby issues with women who understood! They didn’t get offended if I cancelled plans and they didn’t get embarrassed if H threw a mega tantrum in the street. They became my closest friends and my go to if I had any problems with anything.

But, we had to move. We moved an hour away from our family and friends due to my partner’s job. At the time, I was happy because we needed to move away from the terrible flat we were in and away from the dangerous neighbours. I was actually starting to fear for my family’s safety. I got a car and we travelled down every weekend to see family. But this became expensive and tiring. I’d put £40 in the car and it’d be gone in 2 weeks time. That was without me using it much during the week. And it took up a whole day, we’d all be tired from doing a 2 hour round trip and take it out on each other. But we didn’t mind doing it, we were with family. People who knew us and who we felt comfortable with. We didn’t have time to see our old friends though. Seeing both our families takes up the whole day. My partner works during the week and it became hard to arrange meet ups with my old friends because it can’t just be a last minute thing. It takes planning and preparation! In all honesty, I miss them.

I absolutely hate “stay and play” groups. I find them so cliquey. You’re left to your own devices, to keep an eye on your children and to try and keep a decent adult conversation. But I don’t find that I’ve got much in common with the mums at these groups. I’m very much an attachment parent. People who don’t parent in this way or don’t understand it try to offer advice. I don’t want advice for my super clingy baby. He’s not going to be this way forever. I know they mean well though. Me and H did go to a messy play group last year, we both loved it! It was structured and we weren’t pressured to make conversation. But I met some really nice mums there and I enjoyed seeing them every week. Unfortunately that group closed and it hasn’t been taken up by another leader. I can’t stand the awful music groups either. The ones where you have to dress up as well as your child, sing awful songs and be really happy about it. Since having A, I’ve found that there are no groups nearby that I can take both boys to. Apart from the stay and play ones or the cringey music ones. So when am I supposed to meet mums?

I am lonely. And its hard. So hard. Me and my partner have spoken recently about moving closer to home. It’s just not possible at the moment but maybe one day. The saying is “it takes a village to raise a child”. So where’s mine?

8 Responses

  1. […] myself. After my Where’s my village? post last week, I decided to stop moping around. I decided to do something about it and seek out a […]

  2. redundamummy says:

    I feel you! Are you a stay at home mum? I’ve just been made redundant and so potentially won’t be going back to work and it’s a bit scary. I’ve just started to blog as I feel I need an outlet for my thoughts.

    Don’t really have any suggestions but I really hope you feel better soon. It’s so weird when your whole life becomes about someone else, who isn’t necessarily grateful for your dedication!!

    • peanutandsprout says:

      Yeah, I’ve been a SAHM since I had my first 2.5 years ago. Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that 🙁 being a SAHM is great but obviously, there are downsides too.
      I’m definitely feeling taken for granted at the moment. My toddler just wants Daddy as soon as he gets home, even though I’ve been with him all day. I’m doing everything around the house while breastfeeding and it gets too much sometimes x

  3. Kim mcguire says:

    Very strong post. I would maybe try and go to a mother and toddlers group again. You will find that there is new mums coming and going all the time. I started taking my twins to a group in Jan that the salvation army run and then I was the Newby but I would say most weeks there is new kids and mums joining all the time. Most of them around your wee ones age. How about local soft plays? No need to speak to anyone but you might meet someone in the same situation as you x

    • peanutandsprout says:

      I might try again after Christmas but I’m not holding out much hope. And the groups you pay for are so expensive..£60 average a term! I just can’t afford it 🙁 x

    • peanutandsprout says:

      And I’m too scared of soft play..my toddler knows no bounds and will no doubt end up with another broken leg!x

  4. I no exactly how u feel if I lived closer to u I would of poped over u should really try and see if there’s any mother and baby groups I no there cleaky but there worth it just to chat to other mums and have a coffee or a cuppa xxx

    • peanutandsprout says:

      I’ve been to the only 2 groups nearby. One of them, no one spoke to me so I left after 30 mins and didn’t go back! And the other one, I volunteered but they wanted too much from me. I was early pregnant and I just couldn’t do it. And I haven’t been back since x

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