While my Instagram posts have carried on as normal, behind the scenes I’ve been struggling. I’m not sure what with but if I’m honest with myself, I think I’ve been struggling since A was born. It’s just the daily monotony, struggles, loneliness and fighting. Every day seems endless and tiring. I feel like I have no fight left.
I don’t have PND although I have thought this myself several times. I’ve gone through checklists by myself, checklists with my mum and I’ve even gone to phone the doctors to make an appointment, except I’ve chickened out at the last minute. I know exactly what would happen, they’d put me on tablets and send me on my way. And while I don’t have anything against the tabs (I know they work and do the world of good for people), I need more than medication. I need help. I’ve given up on the health visitors, the last time I phoned them to ask for help, she told me to Google it. Deadly serious. I’m an hour away from my mum who has dropped everything to come and help me on numerous occasions. But she works full time and has my sister to think about as well. And she’s really the only family we have that can help. I have friends I speak to via text or on Facebook regularly but I can’t remember the last time I saw someone other than family face to face.
A is getting easier. He’s started crawling (2 months earlier than H did) which is helping his mood a lot. Although now I do have to keep a closer eye on him and make sure he’s not getting into something he shouldn’t! He’s sleeping better, we’re on one wake up a night now and that’s early morning so we get a good long stretch. And while H is struggling with his tantrums and moods, he’s a pleasure to be around most of the time. Which is why I feel guilty that I feel like this. I should be grateful for what I have, some people don’t get this chance.
I’m feeling lost too. I don’t know who I am any more. My days are the same, there’s no time for me. I wake up, look after the boys, look after the house and go to bed. I don’t know how to dress, how to look, how to behave. And I’m worried that if I carry on like this for much longer, the woman I was before children will disappear forever. I thought I could solve this by taking on some writing jobs. I love writing, I always have and I would love to earn my own money. But it’s just been frustrating, realising how little time I get to myself. I look after everyone else day in and day out. Why is there no time for me to relax and work?
It all came to a head yesterday morning. Me and G had the biggest argument we’ve ever had. We both spent most of the morning in tears and if I’m honest with you, I was this close to packing a bag, putting me and the boys into the car and leaving. I was tired of fighting, tired of the life I was living. I think that while I’ve been lost on myself, we (as a couple) have lost that as well. We’re not the same people we were when we met and we don’t make the time for each other. I think we take each other for granted and we both resent the fact that neither of us are shown appreciation.
I’m not sure how this will get fixed but I’m determined that it will. I’m such a stubborn cow that I won’t let this break me. Trust me, I’ve been close. I think it’s just small steps, fixing one problem at a time. Today, I wrote an article for a client and submitted it. It didn’t need any editing before sending and another writer told me that it read really well. That’s boosted my confidence in my writing ability. Me and G need some time alone, without the boys. I’m not sure how or when this will happen but it’s important. We’ve had one date since A was born and that was for our anniversary. And I’ve got to stop being so hard on myself. I’m trying too hard to be the “perfect” mum, fiancée and housewife. It’s ok if the boys sit in front of the TV all day (sometimes!) or if the washing up doesn’t get done straight away. If I carry on the way I’m going, I will burn out. And then I’ll be no use to anyone.
Next month is our holiday and Henry’s birthday. I’m determined that everything will be sorted by then. It has to be.