I get it. That all consuming love you have for your children. I felt it when I was pregnant with H and it gets stronger every day. When we decided to have a second baby, I was scared. I was scared that I wouldn’t love him as much as I love H. And, if I’m honest, I didn’t spend as much time as I would like bonding with my bump and enjoying every single second. I had too much going on with a toddler as well. But when I saw him for the first time, I swear I felt my heart grow. Big enough for both of my babies. I can honestly say I love them both the same.
But with that all consuming love comes other emotions. Frustration when H doesn’t understand why he can’t have more pink milk. Tears and upset when I can’t console A and he’s crying that much that he’s almost sick. I want to be the best mother I can be but almost on a daily basis, I feel like I’ve failed. Sometimes I can’t play with H as much as he would like and I sometimes have to ignore A’s cries so I can change H’s nappy/get him a drink/just give him attention. Or I’ve been short with them both or even shouted on my worst days. Those are the days where I really feel like a failure.
Mum, you went through hell with me. I was awful to you. I can’t explain why, I don’t have an answer. I won’t go into details because I don’t want to drag up the past. But I do want to say this. I’m sorry. I now understand how much I hurt you. The amount of things I do for these two is insane..and 100% of it is selfless, it’s all for them. I would crumble if they treated me the way I treated you. They won’t know the extent of how much I did for them, not until they have their own children.
I base how I parent my boys on how you parent us. You’ll say you made mistakes, that you let us down on occasion but I know I speak for all of us when I say you didn’t. We don’t remember those bad times. We only remember the good, happy times. And if, for whatever reason, a horrible memory is brought up, I remember that we always laughed and smiled our way through it. Because that’s what got us through, to bring a bit of sunshine and life to the darkness.
You’re the strongest person I know. Most people would be staring into the bottom of an empty wine bottle most nights after the things you’ve been through. But you’re not, you’re still the happy, bubbly person you always were. You say we got you through it and now I see why. I understand.