As you approach 18 months, I can’t help but sit and reminisce about this last year and a half. And they have been crazy.
I remember the first moment I saw you. Daddy was by my side as the surgeons brought you into this world. They brought you round the screen and there you were, this pink, wrinkly, screaming newborn. Me and Daddy burst into tears. He got to hold you while I was stitched up and I’ve never seen love like it. The look he had in his eyes when he held you, it was something else. The first time I held you was magical. I only had experience of babies because of your auntie, I remember her being a baby. But you were mine. You were new, precious and innocent. In that moment of having you placed in my arms and looking into your eyes for the first time, I promised myself and you that I would do everything to preserve that innocence and to protect you at all times.
The first couple of months were hard. You were by no means a difficult baby but adjusting to life with a new baby and little sleep was difficult. Apart from that, I was in a new mother bubble of bliss. It was magical. I remember those sneaky 6am cuddles we had. Daddy was asleep after doing the last night feed and you had decided to start the day. I’d pick you up out of your moses basket and place you on my chest, feeling your warmth and heart beating, your tiny body fitting so comfortably in my arms. There are still certain smells that remind me of those early days. For example, the lip balm I’d bought and the washing powder I’d used to wash all your tiny clothes before you’d arrived.
Me and Daddy fought a lot (I think lack of sleep was to blame!) but it made us stronger and I’m so glad we didn’t give up.
You’ve changed so much in such a short amount of time. When I look at the newborn pictures and look at you playing with your toys in front of me, it makes me want to cry. I have to accept that you’re a toddler now. I don’t want to and you’ll always be my baby, even when you’re 18 years! But you’re becoming your own person with your own personality and interests. Seeing you sat there, wearing just a t-shirt and nappy, crawling around the living room exploring, reminds me just how quickly these early years will pass. I’m trying to cherish these early years but it’s hard. On the days I feel ill, I wish the day could hurry up and finish. And then I feel like I’ve failed you. I’ve failed you because I haven’t given you my full attention and because I’ve wished the day away. I’m sorry.
I’m writing this so we both can look at it in 10 years time and I can remember these years and you can see how much I love you. You are everything to me, you’re my heart, my world. I love everything about you, from your beautiful eyes to your chubby feet. You make me laugh every day, some days my face hurts because I’ve laughed so much. You’re learning new things every day, picking up new words like a sponge. You’re still not walking though but that’s another story!
I love you Henry. One day when you have your own children, you might understand. But until then, just accept that you’ll always be my baby, I’ll always protect you and every decision I make will always be to benefit you.
Your Mummy xx